Friday, May 25, 2012

Real Talk

I think it's about time for me to get a little serious here, ladies. Don't get me wrong, I love writing about superficial things like fashion and make-up and partake in the best link ups, but that's not all who I am. I don't want ya'll to think I'm shallow! (YES! I just let my inner Southern Belle show and it felt AMAZING!)

But let's have some real talk for once...

It's easy for me to stroll on over to Bloggerville and pretend like I have it all together. You can be anyone you want when you're hiding behind a computer screen. Cue the fakers and the haters. But who are you really?

Life hasn't been super easy for me the past year. I graduated college, moved home to be with my family, and then found out five months later that my parents decided to separate. SWEET LIFE. Now, if that doesn't smack you in the face, I don't know what does.

But throughout this difficult transition, I've done a lot of soul searching. A LOT! Like every week type of soul searching. Yesterday, I was catching up on the dailies of my lovely blogging gals when I came across Monica's blog post. (Ladies, go check out this beauty's blog! She's awesome.) She got real and talked about insecurities and it got me thinking. Who doesn't have insecurities?!

While on my run, trying not to die, I started thinking about my insecurities, and decided it was something I wanted to share with ya'll. (Again, Southern Belle)

Let's rewind to two and a half years ago, before I met my current love, Justin. I had been in a relationship with my "high school sweetheart" (I want to shoot myself every time I use that phrase for this particular person) for five and a half years. FIVE AND A HALF YEARS! This guy is a good person, don't get me wrong, but he was an awful boyfriend. He constantly put me down. Sometimes it was about my looks. Sometimes it was about who I am as a person. I was constantly compared to other people: "My old neighbor is the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen." "So-and-so is really involved with the homeless shelter. Don't you think you should do that? You don't do enough for other people."

I know, I know. I should have run way before five and a half years. I kick myself all the time.

So long story short, that relationship messed me up big time. (As you can imagine it would after being put down for so long.) biggest blessing, Justin.

We met while on a three week trip to Guatemala during our Junior year of college.

Justin treated me like a princess from the moment he met me. So I said buh-bye to my now ex and said HELLO to J. (Moving fast there, I know!) As much as Justin reaffirmed me, my past relationship had sunk so deep into my head that I couldn't get over my insecurities.

Sure, I was self-conscious of my looks. Who wouldn't be when they had been compared to every female with two legs and boobs over the last five years? I'm happy to say that I'm getting close to loving the way I look these days (key word: close). It's hard! And I know you ladies know what I'm talking about! When society drills into our heads we're supposed to look a certain way, it's hard to be happy with what we have been given. But I'm starting to embrace things I used to not like about myself, for example, my lovely five head!

(After rambling for a million minutes, let me get to my real insecurity).

While on my run tonight, it finally hit me. I know what I'm most insecure about. MYSELF. Not what's on the outside, but what's on the inside.

I'm a Social Worker. I've decided to dedicate my life to helping others. I take pride in the fact that I love to put others needs above my own. But for some reason, some reason I hate more than anything, I've let the words of my ex-boyfriend make a home in my head. All I ever hear is you're not good enough, you don't care enough, you don't love enough...blah...blah... BLAH.

The sick part is, I'm dumb enough to believe it, but smart enough to know it's a lie. Twisted, huh?

I literally want to punch myself in the face when I say things (like above) to myself. I know exactly how the people I care about the most think of me and the type of person they know I am. I know my heart and I know it shows by the way I live my life. But it has been pushed into my head so many time, it's hard not to believe.

BARF! Just talking about this makes me annoyed with myself!

But the whole point of me talking about this is to reach out and let you all know you're not alone. It's so easy to pretend that we all have it together when we post about fun things we did on the weekend, or the super cute outfit we wore today, but we all have insecurities, we all have hurts, we all feel lost from time to time. You're not alone.

And don't be afraid to be real every once in a while.

Who knew Winnie the Pooh was teaching us the best life lessons when we were just babes!

Have a great weekend beautiful ladies! And sorry for such a depressing blog post!

xoxo, J


discoveringmyfateandlosingweight said...

Aww JSimps this brought tears to my eyes! Thanks for being real! I'm so glad you decided to share this and Winnie the Pooh's wisdom!

Meghan @ More from Meg said...

Great post - thanks for being "real" - I totally agree with you on how someone's blog can make them look perfect! I'm so sorry to hear about your parents - hang in there girlie! :)

Erin said...

Totally agree with you about getting real sometimes on Blogland. It's not always rainbows and butterflies like many bloggers make their lives out to be. Way to lay it all out there.

P.S. there's another good quote out there "Boys are stupid throw rocks at them." I'll go do it to ex-bf for ya. I totally will.

BrieAshly said...

Preach sista! But seriosuly, I def agree about all the sunshine and puppies in the blogland (not that sunshine and puppies arent awesome) but it is nice to get real posts once in awhile. As far as insecurities, I always try to remind myself that EVERYONE has them and you can only be your best YOU, so comparing yourself to others is moot point. Enjoy your weekend!

Haley W. said...

Such a great post!! Never be afraid to be real. The world would be a much better place today if everyone decided to be real! So glad you found someone to make you happy, and that you had the sense to kick the last one to the curb! ;)
Have a great holiday weekend!!xo

Amy Shaughnessy said...

Great post! Just the fact that you can be so real means you have more guts than most people. I'm glad you have an awesome boyfriend. As for the parents getting separated...I can relate. My parents got divorced when I was 21. It was such a shock. I had grown up my whole life thinking that my parents loved each other. That was 10-11 years ago. Things are a lot different now but my parents are happy and we have come to terms with things as they are.


Blane181 said...

So true!! It really is so easy to portray the life you want on the internet. I think what you posted about is also a good reminder to those who get jealous of those who are constantly posting all the awesome things going on in their lives that there maybe a whole other story going on behind the scenes.

It takes time but you'll move on and be a stronger and better person for what your ex put you through. You're totally on the right track!

BigLeagueBourt said...

This post is uh-mazing, because it's so true.. (how sad is that) It's totally refreshing to hear someone put a topic like this out there, that every girl can relate to in some form or another. I think this mid 20's thing is the time for these revelations, 1/4 life crisis maybe? At least that's how I see it. It's funny once these ideas click in your head, how it shapes the next few years of your life.. FOR THE BETTER. You go girl. :)

julia rose said...

doing some blog stalking and stumbled across this post. holy moly, i can relate sister!! i was with my "high school sweetheart" (yuck) for 3 1/2 years and went through the same exact issues. he was such a good guy to the community and everyone still thinks the world of him to this day... but to me, he was awful. never in my life had i heard more degrading things from the one person i loved, at the time, more than anything. he was so emotionally and verbally abusive to me that it was sad i didn't realize it until it was almost too late. i even said "yes" to him my senior year of high school when he proposed. yes proposed. and i didn't realize how bad i was being treated until i got to college and discovered people who barely knew me cared for me more than he did.
long story short- i ended that relationship in college. i have yet to my find "justin" haha but i know that one day i will. it's incredible how honest you are with yourself and those around you. my biggest insecurities are definitely those i feel about myself and i'm still working on this! it's so nice to hear that others have gone through the same thing and see how we CAN and DO move past it in our own time. and of course i can relate to the social work side of life! hope you have a wonderful week!!